“Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.” – Lin Yutang
The day I became a mother was a most incredible experience, as most mothers would concur. But for me, the day was beyond monolithic.
As a little girl I’d set goals of becoming an astronaut, a lawyer, a surgeon…or a waitress (!). In college, I’d studied courses to become an interior decorator or psychologist…or a doctor of decorating, perhaps. But, I landed in the journalism department where I found something that really lit my space. While there, God got a grip on my heart. I soon ended up at Bible college, and became a minister. I’ve held various jobs over the years, but never, ever, did I establish a goal to become —a mother.
After getting an abortion for my 17th birthday, I couldn’t fathom the idea of giving birth to a baby that I let live. Babies scared me. Whenever new mothers confronted me with, “Would you like to hold her?” I forced back a flood of tears and created a reason to excuse myself. The mere idea of holding a baby was overwhelming…suffocating…haunting.
So, at age 24, three years in to my marriage, I was still set on never having children. I’d shared secret conversations with friends who were also determined to remain childless – I didn’t know their reasons, and they didn’t know mine. We simply extolled the virtues of “freedom.” But the birth control that had worked solidly for the previous three years failed. I was frightened beyond imagination.
The initial shock of another positive pregnancy test slowly faded after about a month of chewing on the fact that I was pregnant AND married…AND in my 20s, not in my teens.
I like God’s plan of a 9 month pregnancy term. I had plenty of days to get used to the idea and plan for the big day. I spent hours upon hours rubbing my belly like a magic lamp anticipating the genie that would emerge and grant wishes. Sure, I had three wishes: 1) The baby would be healthy 2) For delivery to be quick, and 3) …that the baby would be healthy.
I enjoyed being pregnant, save the usual complaints.
In my book, “No One Could Know,” I describe the day I first heard a baby’s heartbeat from inside my womb.
The day I heard my firstborn’s heartbeat in the doctor’s office was the greatest day of my life. It was a most amazing experience to hear the heartbeat coming through the special device held near my navel. I wanted to stay there all day connecting with that baby I so eagerly looked forward to meeting face-to-face. I was so disappointed when the nurse took the device away and the sound was gone. I asked her if I could lie there awhile and listen to my baby.
She saw the tear fall from my left eye and run down my cheek near her, and she smiled. “Of course you can,” she said sweetly and reconnected me with the life … that sound of life … coming from my womb.
That precious heartbeat resounded in my ears for days after I left the doctor’s office, and I remembered a Bible school teacher saying, “God’s heartbeat sounds like this, ‘PEOple—PEOple—PEOple—PEOple—PEOple—.’”
When my tummy reached the “public property stage” and other women would bend over, caress my stretched-out stomach with their hands, and talk to my baby with their noses to my navel, it was surreal. I finally had a baby that was more than a “bean” or a “mass,” and I welcomed their affection for what lay peacefully inside my big bump.
It’s mind-blowing to imagine, but I gave birth the same month my aborted baby would have been born. September 26, 1993, Ryan Michael Gray rocked my world.
Scott was ecstatic. He wanted four children, very close together. I wanted two. We settled in the middle. There’s nothing I love more than being their mother.
I hope this Mother’s Day 2014 is rich for you, dear reader. Please leave me your thoughts on the subject, I’d love to hear from you. What are your greatest/worst Mother’s Day memories? Do you have a great “Mom” story about your mother, or about your kids? I wish you all God’s best, and pray that this Mother’s Day, you come to experience the Father’s love in a real and tangible way.
In His love and mine,
Kristan
2 Responses to There’s No Day Like Mother’s Day